my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
