pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize