I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
