If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
