Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
thus making me awesome and them whores
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
