Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
