i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
