I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
50% drunk capacity currently
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We are all done wearing pants today
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
