Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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