i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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