i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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