At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
