Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
