i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize