New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
