I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
he was CRYING into my vagina
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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