saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
well you can't waste a boner
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
