i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Too much gin, very little bucket
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
