Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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