You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
