yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just gift wrapped bread.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
