How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize