Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
