Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
