The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
