Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
