Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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