You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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