I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize