"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize