i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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