She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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