Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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