I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
