i was born a porn star she said
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
