when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
