Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Enjoy the penises
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize