I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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