how do flat chested girls get laid?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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