You just made me feel so damn special
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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