I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
There are leaves in my underwear?
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