life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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