dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
