dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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