You smell like stripper and shame
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
