Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize