I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Life is so much better after having sex.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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