Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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