the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
