Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
