I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
