I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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