I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
