I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
