dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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