im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
cat food counts as protein by the way
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
