Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
