I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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